I'm not sure when exactly I lost myself. I think over time, being a mom and professional, I put my children, family, and job ahead of myself for a long time. With both of my kids being teens now, I have more time to myself and it's time to focus inward. I've struggled both physically and emotionally quite a bit in the last five years. I'm coming to the realization that I need to make some changes in my life in lots of areas. God has given me one life and I need to experience it more than I am currently. I can't bank these days—I can't get them back once they're gone. It suddenly occurred to me the other day that rediscovering who I am—spiritually, emotionally, physically—could be a fun, albeit ambitious—undertaking. So why not make it an adventure?
I know I'm a good person. I love my family, have good morals, and am generally nice all around (I think, anyway!). But I want to get back on track for a healthier me. I've started therapy to help me handle the emotional side of things and release a lot of the stress I've been under. Part of the purpose of this blog is to help me stay on track and have a place to clarify my thoughts. Emotionally, I want to move into a happier place. I want to feel more emotionally stable. I want to heal.
Physically, I want to take better care of myself, both in appearance as well as internally. One of my goals is to get better control of my diabetes. I really want stable blood sugar levels. That will help tremendously regarding my energy and overall feeling of health. Fatigue has been a big problem for me lately and I do believe part of that is due to my blood sugar being elevated. That, in combination with fibromyalgia and depression, has worn me out quite a bit.
A huge realization for me has been that I have to lose weight if I'm ever going to be able to heal my body to some extent, and to live my life...the life I want to live. I want to be able to work again. I want to travel. I want to experience all that life has to offer, to be cliche! Fatigue has held me back for quite a while and I'm ready to move forward.
I actually credit all of this sudden awareness to God. I found myself starting to go to church again in the last two months. Interestingly enough, the more I've gone the more I feel comforted and enjoy going. I joined the choir and have gone to two practices so far. I look forward to it and am starting to feel more connected to God. That brings about a true peace in my soul. There is something about the rituals of the church that feels so comforting. I love my God and know he is holding me through this process. I want to continue to grow in His light and spread His love through action. I can't do that when I check out of engaging in my life due to pain, fatigue, or illness.
So onto goals that I want to work on. Long term goals include: getting to a healthier weight, better manage my diagnoses, continue to build healthy relationships with my family members and my family unit, and grow my faith.
This week, I want to focus on eating less processed food. I am going to try to limit my dairy intake as well. Buying organic when I can, I'm going to look for overall healthier food choices. Specifically, for this week, I am going to focus on eating real food as much as possible, to walk twice a day (the point being to move), and start reading the book When Christians Get It Wrong. I am also going to keep a food journal so that I can start figuring out which foods seem to help how I feel. I am going to leave the house to do SOMETHING every day, even if it's just a short trip somewhere. I also am going to start Game Night on Thursdays with my daughter, so I know we are spending quality time together at least once a week.
So that's where I'm starting. I think it will be interesting to find out more about myself! I want to see what I can do spiritually, emotionally, physically, intellectually. I want to grow.